having an off day, although i didnt eat any junk food at all, i only walked 1km today and i am walking heaps tomorrow with work and going to night markets later so i shouldnt feel so guilty. but i do. and my favourite character died in my favourite cartoon tonight too so I’m feeling dooowwnn.

Here’s some thinspo to get me more motivated to lose this weight!!

 

First of all I would like to take this opportunity to apologise in advance.  I am typing this on a netbook 10″ laptop from my bed, the keyboard does not light up so there’s probably going to be quite some mistakes.. and I couldn’t be fucked correcting them.  Also, I’m angry and I know that you people don’t like to read other people’s frustrations but I never made this blog to get followers, it’s purpose really was to vent my frustrations in a private diary like setting where nobody I know can find it as I have nobody I can talk to in real life.  That said, here goes.

Omfg.  C is driving me nuts.  We have a friend from up north staying with us at the moment, which is awesome, but it means we drink.  And C and I have problems when we drink.  I get abusive and angry, and he gets all sooky and mopey which makes me rage harder.

Basically today was awesome, we cleaned the entire house, picked up a friend from the airport thingie, bought a few last pieces for xmas food and picked up some drinks from the bottle-o.  Then when we got home, we sat around, had a few and went and got dumplings from chinatown.  This was all going swimmingly.. C had had a few beers at home and at the dumpling place by now, which is fine it wasn’t effecting him at all.  Then we went to a bar we like, he got just 1 pint.  I was so proud.  He never ever ever goes there and gets less than a jug.  I suggested a stroll home but he was detirmined to go to another bar.. so we went and I got 1 drink and he got a jug of beer.  He was starting to get irritating by the end of this jug… we took a stroll through a park and made it home finally and then he had more beers, and started on the cask wine.. which is when things always start to go downhill.

After spilling the red wine on the carpet… I took that well, I didn’t care and just got it soaked up straight away and all was good.  The night went on (probably about 8pm by now.. early right) and he’s starting to put on music that doesn’t suit the mood etc and judement of other things is starting to go off as well.  These are classic signs that we are about to have a fight.  So i started to insinuate that I was tired and should head to bed soon before anything goes wrong, but no they both wanted to stay up and rah rah rah.  So I stayed up and I was sick of being the person taht had to youtube all the songs but wasn’t allowed to choose any myself, so I said to him he can search for the songs he wants to hear if he wants to hear them,.. I’m not doing it anymore if I can’t pick any songs.. stupid me! So he gets up and sits next to the laptop and proceeds to spill red wine AGAIN alllll over the carpet and some onto the trackpad and clicking buttons! I proceeded to lose my shit.  I am so angry.  This freakin’ laptop is my livelyhood.  It has photoshop on it and other camera programs, it’s my laptop I take with me on shoots and stuff.  I am such a fucking idiot to be using it to look up songs to listen to.  We have used it on so many nights with drinks.. he has never spilt red wine on the carpet before.. if there are stains there in the morning, imma lose my shit again, visitor or no visitor.

He of course still insists its my fault i dont even remember why.. is he REALLY that much of a moron that he takes liquids near a compute!?! is it not basic common sense!?!!!! even if you’re pissed.. I just fucking hate it so much when he gets drunk like this.  He was so pissed he was doing teh whole one eye shut thing to try send a text message.  And when he blinked, his eyes moved at separate times.  i ask him not to have another drink but he just gets defensive and angry.  I ask him to have a break for a while and the same thing.  I threaten to go in there and cut the wine open and pour it down the sink and that just pisses him off.   I can’t think of what else to do.  It makes me so fucking mad.

I have been having a lot of doubts about our relationship lately.. it makes me feel really shit about myself.  we just moved interstate together.. just put our names down together on bills and crap, just signed up to his health care which you have to be in a relationship with him to be in, am going to a wedding in fucking africa with him in 6 months time.. fucking hell.  Most of the time I really get along with hiim reall ywell and want to marry him and spen dall my time with him.. and then there are all these times that just keep popping up and popping up.  It worries me how much it infuriates me.. I have to hold myself back from kicking him in the head when he kneels in front of me when I’m sitting on the couch, or punching him in the face when he wont shut up or let something go. He pisses me off so muh, I haven’t hated someone that much since I hated my brother an dmy dad, both of which I barely talk to these days.  I hate how violent I get, and he deserves someone better than that.. MOST of the time. 

It just pisses me off how much of a complete fucking racist, yobbo, absolute moron he can be at times.. he is so judgemental (and he has admitted its a jealousy/self confidence thing) and so racist I find myself asking myself how I can be with someone that seriously thinks like that at times.. but other times we get along like you wouldn’t believe.  …    I am just having a really hard time weighing up the positives and negatives right now and can’t decide what to do.  This descision is too hard for me.. I always say I’ll sleep on it, and I wake up and I’m in a good mood and then I’m all like yeah, i love him again and I’ll stay with him forever, then we have one of these “tiff’s” and I hate him so much and can’t stand to be around him againn.  it’s so fucking confusing, I’m so over feeling like this, what the fuck is wrong with me.

Well I couldn’t be bothered starting a tumblr.  I’d only post pictures I’d found on there anyway so it’s not like I’d be contributing anything new.  So I thought I’d put my stats up on here.  Mostly for my own personal reference.

Age: 23
Height: 175cm – 5’9

SW: 113.5kgs – 249lbs – AU size 22/24 – cup size British 36JJ
CW: 94.7kgs – 208lbs – AU size 18 – cup size, not sure, am getting a fitting when I get under 90kgs as all my bras are too big! yaaaaaay!!

UGW: 63kgs – 138lbs
UUGW: 58kgs – 127lbs (probably unachievable.. but we’ll see how into it I get. I don’t want to go below this though)

GW1:105kgs – 231lbs
GW2: 96kgs – 211lbs
GW3: 88kgs – 193lbs  (basically, I have a goal weight every 2 or 3 kgs, but these are the main ones)

Haven’t had the moula for yoga since I’ve moved here. Yuh I know it’s mega cheap and the krishna’s even feed you afterwards.. but I’m only working 2 days a week at the moment.

BUT – selling the car has been the best thing ever.   I’m walking 5km – 3miles 3 days a week and doing a 10minute work out from sparkpeople.com on the two days I’m working cause I get home quite late.  I’m much more serious on my food intake than I have ever been.  I still eat a wholesome meal for dinner, but I eat Light Rye bread instead, brown rice everytime I have rice, don’t deep fry any meals when we make them now (like Karage Chicken etc) and I’m putting more veggies in and have cut down the amount of meat we put into each meal.  I have started eating ice when I am craving a ‘sweet’ after dinner out of habbit..  If I reaally want something sweet, I’ll have a couple of strawberries or some rye crackers with blueberry jam and philly cream cheese but that is only if the ice doesn’t curb the cravings, which it almost always does. I just want to keep my hands/mouth busy. I mostly eat fruit, yoghurt, rye crackers and such for my work lunches as well.

I’m excited for the new me and can’t wait to fit into chain store clothes again.  Checked out a shop called “Urban Outfitters” website tonight.. and I’m in love.  I CAN NOT wait to be all grungy and dirty looking <33333 I miss having a ‘look’ and not just “Autograph” sophisticated and stuff.  I’m over dressing old, I’m 23! I can still get away with younger stuff. I’m not a trendy one, but just something a bit nicer and have a body I am proud of.  

I’m not going for the totally thin body most thinspiration lusts after, but this is more my style..  I like the legs to touch a bit.. I guess cause I’m really into classical art but it’s quite shapely, but still trim and gorgeous! Can’t wait to be tiny!

 

 

Sunny – out <3

Hey so yeah! I have the internet again!! Finally!! The move is successful, C has a full time job, I have a mega flexible job that I can work whenever I want, whatever hours I want, to fill in around the photography work I get.  Had a few interviews with photographers and a couple of days work here and there, but about to get more serious with it.

Basically though, the best thing that has happened so far is our weight loss! For a few months there, I thought it would just happen naturally, just from not having a car.  We lost a few kilos before we got here, and then when we got here, put them all back on pretty much immediately.  There is so much tasty food in Melbourne!! I thought by just not having a car it would just fall off.

So we’ve been watching what we eat and going on a 5k / 45min walk each afternoon and have been losing abooouuttt a kilo a week.  So we’re both down about 10, I was a bit more but I put a bit on again and am around the 10kg mark again.

Basically, for the past month or so, we’ve had vistors from home, and have just been eating junk.  Realistically, I could have said no to a large majority of it, but fuck it, I wanted to enjoy myself while they were here, and it’s not like it’s an everyday thing once they’re gone.  So now they are all gone and I have to get back into how I was. sheesh.  Starting Monday, the walking again and the no junk food and only eating out once a week.  The good thing about the visitors though is we didn’t get any maccas of kfcrap or hj’s so that is excellent.

so yeah, cooking again, and walking again, and weight loss again.  I’m pretty excited really.  I started this whole thing at 113kg.  My lowest weight is 95kg, the day before our first visitor, but currently I’m fluctuating between 98/99kg.  I plan on being 88kg by xmas and 85kg by new years.  We can do this!!

The only thing is, we didn’t have jobs before the visitors, and got jobs while they were here, so we’ve never had to work exercise around our jobs.  But I’m sure it won’t be too hard.  C finishes work quite early, and the sun doesn’t go down til 8pm now, so we can do this!

I have been getting into thinspiration to get me a bit motivated to be honest.. I know a lot of people think it’s weird, but I don’t know.. it really motivates me to work at it.  I’ve chucked a few ones I like through this post.. obviously.  My favourite ones are on my phone and not my pc though so I can check em’ out whenever I want.  C found my stash and thought I was going through a bit of a lesbian stage for some reason.. that was an awkward chat.. but now he understands it gets me motivated and is really fine with it.. I’m glad he hasn’t realised most of the websites are pro ana or mia.. but I’m not into that, I think I pick out realistic enough photos… man I hope I’m not totally disillusioned.

Also, getting back into yoga again!! In a week or two when we get our budget fully sorted and know what we’re doing, in a bit more of a routine, it will only be once a week.  I have to see how expensive it is first before I fully commit to it though.  eep! I’m excited, hopefully by the time I’m 25, I’ll be on my way to this?

Also also,  I got the IUD yesterday, hoorah!! didn’t really hurt all that much at all :\ the food poisoning I got 2 weeks ago was SOOOoooOOoOOOHHHh much worse.   Allso, cut my hair to shoulder length and dyed it black.  When I get to goal weight, considering brushing it out and going back to natural brown? I don’t know.. I want to do the bumblebee orange / yellow / black stripes through my dreads first before I do any brash though. ahahaha.

whinge ahoy!

OK – so to keep myself of track – this is what is pissing me off:
* Period
*Weight
*C and work issues (both mine and his)
*C’s mum
*only 1 month til Melbourne – but that’s still a WHOLE month

So, for starters – period. WARNING: TMI - OMFG i hate my period.. it lasts for about 6 FUCKING MONTHS. since I got this implanon implanted into my arm.  yeah the whole no condom sex thing is really great without having to worry about babies n shiz but AARRMAAGAAAWWDD it seriosuly takes its toll on our relationship only haveing sex like every now and then when its gone (mostly) for a day.  adn he usually still gets a bit of blood on the tip. :\ Am seriously considering for when I get to melbourne to get that IUD insert thingie inserted instead – anyone heard if that is any good or not??

Neeeext: weight.  Yeah I’ve already covered this in the previous post.  I’m over my weight.  I’ve started looking at thinsp websites and thinspiration to get me motivated.. I gotta say – the vibe on these sites are really weird – they’re all kinda pro-anorexia kinda things.. i did find one good one yesterday though, it was a reformed anorexic chick and she actually gave out receipies and showed what foods you can eat where you can eat more for the calories kinda thing - was actually really useful! not just a bunch of pictures of skinny jailbait.. it’d be kinda cool if they did one of these websites for skinny mid-20s people.. i feel kinda weird looking at 16 – 18yr olds all day.. to be honest, that’s probably why I’m obsessed with Wedding blogs.. they’re like an adult thinspo.

WORK ISSUES ggaaahhh.  C has had a total of 1 and a half months of work since OCTOBER people.  C’mon.  Am I not allowed to get shitty at this?! His employment agency he JUST started to go through is giving him one day here and there, and whenever they ring him up to work its somehow MY fault that he’s getting work.  Like seriously!? Then cause its mindless labour work like , dig this hole, fill that hole kinda crap he complains and whines and winges CONSTANTLY.  Like SERIOUSLY.  I have had a shitty boring thoughtless job for nearly 2 fucking years and you have to go to one job for 4 fucking DAYS and you can’t handle it.  I’m worried about what I’m getting myself into here…

ON TOP OF THAT – his parents paid the first months rent in a fully furnished place in Melbourne as our going away present.  OMG yes taht is so nice of them and I am very thankful, but we had to pay the deposit, a measley $300 – no probems.  We gave them the money in FEBRUARY.  I have bank statements to prove it.  The stupid thing is, his parents have now turned around and are cliaiming that we never paid them the gosh darn deposit and want the money again.  it’s not like they need it, she just really does not believe me taht I paid it.  So I have to go digging through statements from MONTHS ago to PROVE I paid the stupid money.. Am I wrongful to be upset and offended by this? Like I seriosuly paid it pretty much as soon as they booked it, the only reason they paid it in the first place is because they just did the months rent and the deposit in one transaction cause it would be “easier”.  My ass.

And finally I just want to get my ass to Melbourne already!
Sunny!

So I’ve been getting back into my wedding obsession again :\ I really have to stop that. C got a tattoo this morning on his shin, it looks mucho sexy. We’ve been having a few screaming matches lately, but only when we’re drunk. We have a few underlining issues (mostly just stress money and jobs ) that we should probably talk about a little bit more but we’re getting there.

Platauesed on my weight loss already.. am about an average 105kg at the moment (saw the scales tip down to 103kg there at one point) gotta get back on it! Promised myself i wouldn’t get a tattoo til i was under 100kg and now I’ve booked on in for good Friday I better get there!!!

we’re slowing down with our packing, most of our furniture has been delegated away to friends. Am moving out easter weekend and have organised the most epic going away party the weekend after, then a few days after that we leave!!

Read this earlier today and can really totally relate.. captures exactly the way I feel at times:
“i wonder what it feels like to be skinny, and thin, and wake up in the morning in nothing but a tshirt and panties and still feel sexy, to have guys look at me, to have guys want to be my boyfriend, to have girls be jealous of my body, to feel my hipbones and collarbones, to feel confident in a bikini, to sit down and not feel fat everywhere, to not rub out the thighs in my jeans, to need a smaller size in the store, i could go on “

ah well I”m not letting it get me doowwnnn – only 3 weeks left of work WAAHHOOO <3
Sunny

So I’ve decided on my two main tattoos!!… Again!

FIRST OF ALL:  The trippy line psychedelic elephant…
Here!

Ahaha tasty vagina..

Annnd then a realistic mooooooon, with all the lines and craters and stuff..
HERE!

right in that area where when you sit your arms out on the desk typing or using your mouse, its the part near your elbow on your forearm that sits flat on the desk. So kinda hidden. 

And other possibilities are a feather like this but on my ankle:

And an owl like this at the nape of my neck:

All pictures from checkoutmyink.com

<3 <3 <3
Sunny!

Mess! Gosh! Our house is crazy messy at the moment.  This week we emptied the two chests of drawers in our bedroom, so all of the clothes we don’t wear toooo often are packed away already.  We are now just figuring out where to put the fish tank that sits on top of them, and then we’re taking them back to Cs parents – along with the broken fridge that just takes up space! (Thank goodness! They’re awful, I hate drawers!!)

We have a stack of empty boxes stacked up in the corner of our living room next to our TV, it’s hella ugly.  Then we have packed boxes stacked up in front of the microwave in the kitchen, that I keep tripping over, as well as under the dining room table, and just in general pathways.   Hopefully once the drawers and fridge and bookshelf are out of the way, we can move a coffee table into our bedroom for the fish tank, and move our telly, lava lamps and bar fridge that we’re living out of across so we can neatly stack all of the packed boxes up in that corner with the empty ones on top!  We’re using a tiny bookshelf at the moment as a wardrobe, I think we’ll move that into the bedroom as well. 

I know we’re not moving for a fair while yet but its getting exciting

Next we’re getting paper and wrapping all the breakables and putting them into boxes as well! We’ll see how that goes.. I suspect we’re going to have some breakages on our hands.

Love love
Sunny!

It’s okay!! I’m alive and well.  Mr Bossman took the news like a champion and didn’t mind at all!

<3
Sunny

Tomorow is the day! I’m telling my boss I’m leaving him to go to the BIG SMOKE of Victoria in 6 weeks.  If you don’t hear from me in a week, come looking :S

<33333
Sunny~